


The Only Heaven I'll Be Sent To (Is When I'm Alone With You)

by mindlessrambling



Category: Skins (UK)
Genre: Alcohol, Brief Mention of Violence, Drugs, F/F, F/M, I Don't Even Know, Mention of Character Death, basically just pretend that season 7 isn't an actual thing, basically this is how I wanted things to go, it's more subtext than anything, some minor mentions of depression, takes place four months after the conclusion of series 4
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-03
Updated: 2015-01-03
Packaged: 2018-03-05 03:09:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3103343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mindlessrambling/pseuds/mindlessrambling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s about half an hour into the car ride, as she’s signaling to get into the next lane and everyone else is asleep, that she realizes she has no fucking clue what to do when they find Cook. She doesn't know how he’ll react or if he’ll be happy or angry to see her. Effy didn't really stop to think that maybe Cook is trying to live his own life away from all the bullshit and drama and heartache that surrounds them all. Maybe he’s moved on and wants nothing to do with them, or her… and it’s her worst nightmare that maybe she already has lost both Freddie and Cook. One she lost to death and the other from being tired of hearing he isn't good enough from the girl he loves.  </p>
<p>(Or the one where Effy returns home four months after Freddie's death and realizes that she can't go through being back home without Cook by her side. So naturally a road trip and lots of soul searching ensues. And somewhere along the way she finds the boy she was looking for all along.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Only Heaven I'll Be Sent To (Is When I'm Alone With You)

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, I can't believe that I actually got this finished! It took a lot of worrying that this wasn't good enough and a lot of Mayra telling me to shut up and keep writing. This is my first published piece so I'm very excited.
> 
> I'd like to say a huge thank you to Mayra for reviewing this work and giving me pointers and enduring late night phone calls with me in order to get this done. Thank you so much babz! 
> 
> Disclaimer: because I don't actually own any of this.

Effy Stonem stares at the bags packed at her feet and feels nothing but a numbness settle over her like an outer shell. This is it. After four months of a bustling bright city filled with people who are all too busy to give a shit about what you’re going through, she’s actually going home. _Fuck_. Kicking her duffel bag with the tip of a scuffed boot Effy watches her mum dab at her eyes with a napkin as they wait in the queue to get on the plane. It’s all so anticlimactic, almost as if her mother is waiting for some big send off that is never gonna come. Because they’re all that they have, it’s just them two now. So Effy really does try her hardest not to roll her eyes when her mother turns and asks if she’s at all sad that they’re leaving Paris.

“‘m sure I’ll be just fine mum…we'll be fine.” but neither of them miss the way that she clutches the worn red journal to her chest, and it’s an echo of just how not fine she was when they came to Paris four months ago and it’s a reminder of just how not fine she still is because he still won’t be there when she gets back. So what Effy really means when she says that they’ll be fine is, _I don’t think I’ll ever be fine again._

After they have their tickets scanned and their bags stowed away on the carry on, after the flight attendants have demonstrated how to properly put on a seatbelt and where the emergency exits are, the plane begins its ascent and a ball of lead settles itself in Effy’s stomach. The hour long flight into Bristol is one she’s not quite sure she can stomach just yet, too many memories lay in that one place, too much fucking sadness it was so smothering that she demanded that her and her mum leave for a holiday as soon as the news about Freddie’s death got out. And now she’s heading back into the thicket of it all. _Fine and dandy_. But as she looks out the window and watches the sky, wanting nothing more than to be able to float away, her fingers trace over the journal and the words that are etched deep in her mind and were once whispered onto her skin what seems so long ago.

~x~

****  
  


She isn’t sure why she expected the house to look different, like maybe washed out or rundown, but it isn’t. It sits there where it always has, wedged between two other identical houses, only her house has a red door. How unique. Maybe it’s a blessing that nothing has changed, this way she can catalog everything that she wants to actually change and leave everything else to be.

Taking her bags Effy Stonem steps into the house that harbors so many memories it’s like they come alive and rush to her as soon as she breathes in the stale air. “I’ll probably pop into the shops later on, do a bit of grocery shopping if you’d like to join.” And there was no inflection in her mums tone when she asks as she opened all the windows downstairs but it was a question nonetheless, her mother still doesn’t want her to be alone, Effy can’t really blame her.

“I’m gonna go unpack and maybe take a nap.” She didn’t answer the question, neither of them miss that either.

Setting the two bags at the door she takes a look around her room, she changed it so much from the way Tony had it. And he had practically thrown a fit when she told him that she was switching him rooms, but in the end he was okay with it. That was one of the good things about Tony, he never stayed mad at Effy for too long, he would feel even guiltier about it because he technically had completely left her after he finished sixth form. Left and never once came back, not when their dad left or when Effy went mad or even when she called him to tell him that the boy she loved was killed. But that was the way of the Stonem children: they were thick as thieves and could have been twins with their deep blue eyes and dark hair and pale complexions but they knew how to comfort each other without being too clingy or saying bullshit words. They could just be.

So Tony let her be and Effy let him let her be and they were fine. She was fine, or as close to it as she could be anyway.

Effy sat at the edge of her bed and gazed at the wall of pictures across from her, twirling an unlit fag between her fingers, she didn’t even remember getting it out of her bag. But she can’t stop looking at all those fucking photographs on the wall, half are black and white and the rest in color but they each contain so many damn memories that she feels like she’s choking on the air she’s trying to pull into her constricting lungs. So naturally, because she has no sense of self preservation, she gets up and goes to the wall.

The photos are from the last two years, and everyone is in them. Some are of just her, or of Emily and Naomi, there’s some of Katie and of JJ. There’s one of Pandora and herself sitting on a bench and laughing. One has Thomas giving Pandora a flower, in the next there’s Cook with his pants down and his arse out and laughing like the cheek he is. And there’s Freddie. There’s some where he’s laughing and some where he’s rolling a spliff or smoking a fag, even one where he’s on his skateboard and squinting into the sun (Effy remembers taking that one, he had been bathed in the rays of the setting sun and she remembers thinking  ‘this boy can break my heart’) and he had. Just not in the way that either of them thought.

And it was Freddie who had put up this wall of photographs sometime after she went to hospital and he tore down all the fucked up pictures that she used to have in her room and in her mums and around the house. He took down all her fucked up thoughts and memories and replaced them with light good ones. The ones that made her happiest because that’s what Freddie always wanted, for Effy to just be happy.

Sweeping cold pale fingers across the photos that hold happier times, Effy wants nothing more than to be able to jump into one and just live that moment forever and ever. And it’s as she’s sweeping across the wall that a picture falls to the floor and an origami swan falls along with it.

“Shit.”she gasps and bends down to pick up the swan and the photograph, the latter of which she puts on her desk and holds the swan delicately in her hands, it is paper after all. Turning it over to look at the other paper wing, Effy is met with the worn words, that like her heart, were left by Freddie.

‘LOVE YOU FOREVER’

And it’s so simple, just a simple string of three words but they mean everything to her, like he did. She just got so caught up in her own head in the end and it destroyed them both and she’s so fucking sorry that she could scream… but she doesn’t. Because Effy Stonem does not scream or let anyone know any secret part of her that they could break. With hot tears falling down her cheeks she puts the origami swan on her desk and turns her attention to the photo that fell.

It’s of the three of them, her Cook and Freddie. The picture is black and white and it’s all blurred around the edges but it makes her heart fucking stutter because of course it’s the most beautiful thing she’s seen in a long time. Effy has no idea when or where it was taken and they all three look a mess, with hair and clothes all a mess and her own makeup is smeared around her eyes but they look happy. The photo captured a rare moment when she is full on laughing, probably at something one of the boys said, and there’s a fag dangling from her fingers and she’s smiling so wide and her head is thrown back and she thinks _I miss that._ Cook seems to be lighting a spliff and his lips are curled devilishly over the paper at Effy in his usual smart arse way, and of course there’s Freddie looking at Effy from the corner of his eye over the brim of his cup.

Her knees almost buckle with the sheer force of how much she _misses_ that. The moment that the photograph captured. That feeling of light heartedness and knowing without a doubt that she was with people that loved her and that she loved in return. But she never forgot, never could forget even if she tried (and she really did try), how loved she was. Those four months in Paris weren't filled with parties and pills and boys like people at home expected of her. No, she spent every moment trying to build back up the walls around her heart that were torn down with a fucking crowbar and left in rubble. So she tried but she never could forget how much love was shared between the three of them, in their own fucked up way they all loved each other.

And while she can’t forget… she can heal. Touching Freddie’s face in the picture (because she can finally look at pictures of him again and say his name aloud and sometimes she even has the willpower to be able to listen to the last voice mail he left her without completely breaking down again.) But that isn’t the point… the point is that she is finally healing. She is finally a semblance of the Effy before that completely fucking mental doctor and before what he did to Freddie and before everything… the Effy that thought that she could fuck James Cook with no strings attached, the Effy that popped pills like fucking skittles, the Effy that didn’t let anyone into her heart, the same girl that didn’t know how to love anyone.

Looking at Cooks face in the photo she realizes how she isn’t becoming the ‘old’ Effy at all, because all of those horrible things _did_ happen and she _had_ learned how to love someone and Cook had managed to worm his way into her heart and Freddie really was gone.

So now she just wishes that she wasn’t so fucking alone in missing Freddie, that she wasn’t sinking further below the surface every second… but was she really alone?

There was Cook, she thinks as she touches his face again, _there was always Cook_ a little withered part of herself echos and that part of her mind brings up something that Effy Stonem hasn’t thought of in a long time. Because there really was Cook, and JJ, and Katie, and even Emily and Naomi. But most important was Cook, because he understood why her and Freddie were together, and he understood how much she loved Freddie because Cook loved him just as much and… and Cook also loved Effy. Even when her and Freddie broke Cooks heart he still loved them both in the end. They all made each other mad with how much love was between them, and if anyone could get her through being back home without Freddie, it was Cook.

Effy stuffs the picture into the pocket of her jeans and goes to grab her mobile from the bed, the need to have him tell her everything is okay is so strong that she’s practically choking on it.

With frantic movements she scrolls to Cooks contact and hits the _send_ button before she can lose her nerve. Biting her lip and looking out her bedroom window at the setting sun she waits as the line rings once, twice, three times and then with a _click_ his voice mail comes on and his voice is there in her ear but it’s not _enough_.

“Ehh yeah it’s Cook, ‘m not ‘ere right now but leave a message and I’ll see what I can do.” and then there’s the beep and she’s just stuck.

“Hi.” she says after a few moments of silence, “it’s umm Effy, I’m home and I was wondering if you would stop by maybe. I have something to-” and she’s stuck again. She doesn’t want to tell him why she’s really calling, doesn’t want to seem desperate because that’s one thing Effy Stonem is not.

So she clears her throat, laughs airily and says, “Just come by whenever Cook.” and then she flips the mobile shut angrily and shuts her eyes so the hot tears don’t escape.

Effy doesn’t want to need someone more than they need her and Cook is a prick and he’d just tease her for being so damn soppy. But that’s not fair to him because he lost Freddie too so he’d get it, that’s why she called in the first place for fucks sakes.

Sprawling on the bed on her back she pulls a lighter from her pocket and picks up the discarded fag again. Cook would get back to her soon and then she’d be able to talk to him. Yeah she just had to wait. Placing the fag between her lips she lights it and takes a long drag, letting the smoke expand in her chest, letting it fill up every hollow place in her chest. On the exhale she raises the hand that isn’t holding the lit fag and studies the chipped nail polish on her fingers.

Flipping her hand over she studies her palm and takes another drag. Her room is now cast in all shadows as the last rays of the sun are disappearing and she can’t help but think of how Freddie used to use the lamp on her desk to cast puppets on the walls, and how he would kiss her dizzy after he made her laugh for what seemed like hours. He was always finding ways to kiss her out of nowhere. She misses that. She misses him, and sitting in the dark is bringing all the suffocating memories to the surface. Effy jumps up and flips on the lamp because she swears  she can start to hear his voice in the darkness. She needs to talk to Cook.

Grabbing her mobile back up and snubbing the cigarette out on the nightstand she opens a new conversation intent on messaging Cook to hurry the fuck up. But she can’t, because she’s fucking stuck.

Biting a fingernail she instead types in Katie's name into the send box.

****  
  


**TO Katie F:**

**have u seen cook? jus got back.**

The mobile buzzes in her hand before she even has time to light another cigarette.

****  
  


**FROM Katie F:**

**welcome home babez, not seen him for a mo. u comin out tonight? jj is here, he might know?**

is what Katie replies and Effy feels a twinge of annoyance at the fact that she doesn’t know where he is.

****  
  


**TO Katie F:**

**s’pose i’ll go out, txt me the address?**

Effy replies and a feeling close to anxiousness washes over her. She hasn’t seen anyone, barely even talked to them since she left. Pandora and Thomas won’t be there of course because they’re still in the states going to a proper posh uni, blissfully in love and all cozy in their new lives.

But everyone else might be there, and she really doesn’t know if she’s ready to face them all. But she will nonetheless. Taking off the jumper she was wearing she goes to stand in front of her mirror.

She’s wearing plain blue jeans and a tank top. Not at all appropriate to wear to a party, this isn’t how she can turn up again after months away. Everyone will be expecting the old Effy (no she scolds herself, not the old Effy, you’re still you. Still the same person.)

So she grabs her makeup bag from the top of her desk and hears her mobile buzz with the message from Katie telling  her where to meet everyone. She takes careful time to apply the dark makeup and to pick out her outfit.

By the time she looks back in the mirror at herself she’s wearing ripped tights and a huge black jumper with the collar all stretched out. Her feet are laced up in her big black boots and her eyes look _blueblueblue_ with the dark glittery eyeliner circling them. Effy grabs a small black bag from a drawer and scoops up her mobile, lighter, wallet,  her carton of cigarettes, and her old cigarette tin that holds the last of her spliff.

Effy grabs her leather jacket from a chair and shoulders her bag and she’s ready to go. The party isn’t too far so she can walk no problem but the anxiousness won’t leave her. “It’s now or never” she sighs and leaves her room.

By the time she shuts the front door behind her and inhales the crisp night air, there’s the slight hum of excitement chasing away the anxiousness. She’s going to see Cook and she’ll finally be able to talk to someone who knows what she’s feeling. So she begins the walk that will take her to the people that she loves and towards the first step of trying to get back into the groove of things since Freddie’s been gone. It’s fucking scary is what it is.

~x~

****  
  


The house seems to be physically vibrating with the pulse of the music that’s booming from inside, and Effy can only stop to stare at it from across the street. She has a cigarette between her lips and she keeps sparking her lighter, now that she’s finally able to see the sea of bodies spilling out of the house and hear the music, she smiles. It’s the smile that her mum says means, _‘You don’t know me at all. And you never will’_.  An odd feeling  builds in the pit of her stomach and then it pulls her towards the house, it’s strange almost like a magnet, so she flicks her fag into the road and heads into the house.

It isn’t that hard to make her way into the crowded living room seeing as how the thick mass of sweaty bodies immediately part when they see her. Everyone takes in the dark hair, petite frame, and pale skin and know who she is even if they’ve never seen her before.

_‘That’s Effy Stonem, Tony Stonem’s younger sister. They’re both mad they are. Her boyfriend was murdered awhile back, completely fucked up that one is.’_ They all seem to be saying. And they aren’t wrong, but still, it really isn’t anyones fucking business. So Effy holds her head high and glares at anyone that dares to meet her eye.

She’s smoking another cigarette and nursing a cup of vodka when she sees Emily and Naomi a few feet away laughing with another girl who… yeah that’s Katie. Shouldering her way through the crowded dance floor and ignoring the curious stares, Effy finally reaches the three girls and Naomi is the first one to notice her. When she does catch Effy’s eye she laughs and surges forward to hug her.

_It’s nice, to be touched by another person, even if it is platonic, it’s still nice_ she thinks. Naomi pulls back to look her in the eyes and Effy can see Katie and Emily smiling at her too. “How’s it going?” Effy smiles and raises an eyebrow.

“I can’t believe you’re actually here right now.” Emily shouts over the music and Effy just takes another drag of the fag.

Ashing it she looks at the three of them and nods towards the back door, “I’ve got some spliff, wanna spark it?” and she makes her way to the small backyard without waiting for any reply.

Effy isn’t really sure how to act around the three girls, she’s always had Panda, or Freddie or even Cook as a buffer, they knew how to read her little signals and quirks to tell what she was thinking or wanted to say.

Don’t get her wrong  Emily, Katie, and Naomi are great it’s just that she’s never really spent time alone with them and now that the opportunity has arisen it makes her a bit sad that she never did get to spend time with them before.

She gets out the silver cigarette tin from her bag and clicks it open, pulling out an already rolled joint and handing it to Katie who stands on her left, Effy pulls out her lighter and gives it to Katie as well. She watches as Katie lights it and takes a hit, and Effy takes a final drag of her cigarette before flicking it on to the dirt at her feet. By the time she looks up the joint is already being passed to her but she just passes it right along to Katie who gives her a quizzical look but doesn’t say anything.

“How was Paris Ef?” Katie asks as she exhales and passes the disintegrating spliff to her twin.  They all look at her and she shrugs noncommittally. “It was nice, lots of people, very french… just fine yeah.” And they all nod as if to say that they understand that she doesn’t have anything else to say on the matter. The subject drops and the rotation continues, except Effy declines each pass.

Truthfully she feels like she’s too big for her skin or something. Since she stepped into the house she’s just been itching to find Cook but she hasn’t seen him yet and none of the girls have said anything about him.

The whole atmosphere of the party feels suffocating (she’s been feeling like that a lot lately). Everything smells of booze and weed and there are sweaty bodies everywhere she looks and the spliff that the girls are smoking is contaminating the fresh air around them and she’s _drowning_. Or at least it feels that way. But no one seems to think she’s barmy so she must look fine.   And then Naomi smiles at her through the smoke and says, “So what’d you want Cook for anyway.”

And can she really tell them? Can she actually say that ‘he’s the only one that understands.’ out loud?

“I need to talk to him… he’ll know how to help me.” and holy shit she actually said it. But Katie looks at her sadly and Emily seems to find her flats fascinating all of a sudden and Naomi just watches her.

By now the spliff is all gone so Katie tosses it away and takes Effy by the elbow, leading her back inside. Back into the eye of all those clueless fucking people and the horrible invading smells. “JJ is here somewhere he’ll know where Cook is yeah.”

So Effy lets herself be pulled from room to room until they spy a head of curly brown hair attached to a pale boy with his arm around a thin blonde. _That’s his girlfriend_ some part of Effy whispers.

Katie brings them to a stop right in front of JJ and his girlfriend, Lara, and they both look surprised to see Effy there. Smiling softly at him she waves three of her fingers halfheartedly, “Hey JJ.”

And he just stands there almost like he’s seeing a ghost or something and it’s Katie that breaks the silence. “Fucks sake, Effy needs your help with something so can you help or not?” she speaks coldly and to the point and that is probably the best summary of the relationship between Katie and JJ.

Lara, for her part just rolls her eyes and walks away, and Effy watches her go. JJ just nods and clears his throat clutching his cup tighter. “Sorry, just a bit of a shock, feels like ages Effy!”

This time Effy does roll her eyes because it’s really only been four bloody months and her and JJ were never close friends, or even friends to begin with, he’d said so himself. But she doesn’t tell him as such, instead she sighs, “Do you know where Cook is J? It’s kind of important.”

Naomi and Emily join them at that moment and it’s the five of them huddled into the corner of a packed room, Effy wonders if they’re all trying not to think of those that aren’t with them anymore. “Why do you need him?” JJ asks and she’s about to explode with annoyance at him.

“I can’t be in this fucking city, I’ll go mad and Cook is the only one who will understand. I have to find him.” she bites out and Katie just seems so sad again, Emily looks shocked and Naomi just nods her head like she understood the whole time. But JJ still looks vaguely confused and Effy feels like she’s moments away from strangling him.

Looking at each of them JJ shakes his head, “He’s not in Bristol anymore Ef, hasn’t been for awhile.” And then all the air goes out of her. Katie’s arm circles her waist and she can only blink at him.  

“What do you mean? Where would he go? Where is he? I have to find him!” and this feels a bit like going mad again because deep down she knows why Cook left, what he was running away from and a whooshing noise rings in her ears. But then Naomi just looks her in the eyes again and says in the calmest voice she can. “We’ll help you look for him, don’t worry Effy.” and the four of them are nodding but she’s already drowning.

Swallowing bile and blinking furiously to keep her tears back, Effy licks her lips and blurts the first thing that comes to her mind. “Well tomorrow we’ll all look, I’ll take the car and we can go find him.”

She sees the hesitation in their eyes, and she doesn’t blame them, not really. But then JJ nods and Katie is looking at Naomi and Emily looks like she’s about to faint herself. What she’s asking is big. To get into a car and travel to who knows where in search of probably the most unpredictable unstable boy ever. Effy knows what they’re thinking, that if they don’t go with her she’ll just go by herself. And they’re right. She doesn’t really understand it herself why she needs to find Cook so badly but it’s as if her life depends on it.

“What time do you want to meet?” Emily asks and Naomi looks surprised to see her girlfriend be the one to ask. “We can meet at mine tomorrow at sunset if that’s okay. I’ll take my moms car and we can just… find him.”

JJ smiles and, ohh he got his braces off, “Lara might not like it but it’ll be like an adventure I suppose.” and Effy actually smiles because it really isn’t an adventure but leave it to JJ to try to make light of something that seems so impossible.

“Sunset sounds good yeah” Emily smiles at her and Katie squeezes her waist. So they’re all in. They’re actually gonna do this. And her heart feels like it flutters with how overwhelmed she is and the room is feeling suffocating again but in a good way. Now the panic in her stomach can ease up and she can go home knowing that there’s a plan of action in place. She really is tired now that she thinks about it, wanting nothing more than to curl up under a pile of blankets and sleep.

Stepping out of Katie’s hold Effy smiles at each of them and hopes that it conveys how grateful she truly is. “So I’ll see you all at sunset then. I think ‘m just gonna head home.” She doesn’t miss the worried looks or the words that people whisper as she leaves the party.

She couldn’t stay there any longer, knowing that Cook wasn’t even in Bristol anymore, knowing why he left, Effy was probably the only person who knew what happened that night. But no she couldn’t think of that right now, not when she was so close to going under tonight.

By the time she makes it back home she’s shivering  and her mum is smoking on the stairs. Effy takes off her jacket and clutches her bag in her hands. “A couple of mates and I want to go camping for a few days, so ‘m gonna take the car for a few days okay?”

Anthea Stonem blows out the smoke from her lungs and nods at Effy, “Just be careful baby and call if you need anything.” and Effy is still so unused to her mum actually giving a fuck about what she does. But she still nods her head and goes upstairs to her room.

Effy barely stays awake long enough to take her shoes off and switch her light off before she falls into bed and pulls the covers up around her. Sleep comes easy after spending the night braving through hoards of people and doing her best to seem fine.  

~x~

****  
  


Light kisses pepper her face; her cheeks and nose and even her eyelids a small smile blooms on her lips and she opens her eyes. Freddie is hovering over her and smiling wide. “Hello beautiful.” She stretches  her arms above her head and then leans up on her elbows and kisses him softly. It’s about the only thing about her that’s soft, the way that she kisses Freddie, almost as if she’s afraid that he’ll disappear if she presses too hard.

“What are you doing up so early?” she asks but as she looks at her window to see how high the sun is in the sky, it’s as if there’s no sun. The light coming into the window is gray and now that she looks around at the rest of the room she notices that everything is bathed in the same gray light. And Freddie never answered her so she looks back up at him, looking into his hazel eyes she can see herself reflected in them. In them she can see so much love that it makes her heart swell and beat loudly in her ears.

She doesn’t know why she thought everything looked gray and bleak, it can’t be, not when she’s here in Freddie’s arms because that’s light and warmth when she’s with him. But there’s a strange feeling blooming in her chest, but Freddie kisses her again and the strange feeling fades away.

When they break apart Effy touches their foreheads together and closes her eyes, and it’s when her eyes are closed that she realizes what that feeling was and she pulls away and sits up. “You’re not really here Freddie,” she chokes out “this is just a dream it’s just a dream.” and her mind is so cruel to be playing tricks on her like this but she always falls for it.

There are tears falling down her face now and Freddie frowns and reaches a hand out to touch her cheek, and she swears that she can feel it. But she justs sits there and cries and whispers an ‘I love you’ before the gray light swallows Freddie up and he disappears with his voice saying her name echoing inside her head.

This is usually when she wakes up crying and clutching for a body that isn’t there, but instead she’s smoking a cigarette in bed and there’s no more gray light, only the warm glow of her lamp.

There’s a bang outside her window and suddenly there’s a head and a pair of hands on the windowsill and her heart sort of leaps because she automatically thinks that Freddie has come back. But it isn’t Freddie that pops up and wiggles his way through her open window, it’s Cook. At first Effy just sits there and watches him fall to the floor with a loud bang and then picks himself up. She almost screams when she sees all the blood.

Jumping up she runs to his side and her fingers glide over all the gore. “What the fuck happened? Are you alright?” Now that she’s closer she can see that Cook seems to be fine, he has a few scratches on his face and his shirt is torn and he seems to be putting more weight on his right leg, but the blood doesn’t seem to be his.

“What did you do Cook?” she whispers and now he looks at her and she can see that he’s on the verge of tears and she’s fucking scared because deep down in the darkest part of herself she knows… she knows what happened. Grabbing her hands to keep her from touching him Cook keeps looking at her. “It was so fucked Ef, I don’t know what to do or where to go. You have to help me...please” And even though she’s scared out of her mind she does help him.

She gives him a clean shirt that belonged to Freddie to wear and tells him to take off his trousers because there’s blood on them too. She gets a wet flannel and cleans all the scrapes and the blood off of his face and when she pulls him down to sit on the bed he tells her what happened.

He tells her how he seen Dr. Foster outside of the shed watching them all celebrate Freddie’s birthday and how he followed him to his house, how Cook broke in and found Freddie’s bloody clothes in a fucking bin. Cook tells her how the fucking nutter thought he could make her love him and how he got rid of Freddie and tried to get rid of Cook to get to her. He tells her how he beat him to death with the same fucking bat that he killed Freddie with. And he tells her that he’s scared.

Effy breaks down into huge sobs somewhere in the middle of it and Cook just holds her and cries along with her, she tells him that it’s all her fault. Everything is her fault, but he just puts her under the covers and holds her and cries with her.

Freddie would have never left her and she had known that, she had known because he loved her too much and she was right, he didn’t leave, he was taken from them and Cook got rid of the monster that took their best boy away from them. She should be afraid that Cook has the capability to kill someone but she isn’t because she knows he would have died just like Freddie if he hadn’t and then she wouldn’t have either of them. The crying doesn’t stop, her heart is too full of sorrow now and Cook holds her throughout it all, silently crying above her for the loss of a best friend and for the loss of the last shred of innocence he had, while Effy cries below him for the loss of the boy that she loved with her whole heart and who promised to love her forever, the one who made her feel the closest she could be to being close and now he’s gone.

She falls asleep somewhere between the sobs and Cook smoothing down her hair, and when she wakes up with tear blurry eyes he’s gone. And she’s okay with that because they had last night to grieve together but now they would have to do it on their own.

The police come later in the evening with the news of Freddie’s death and the death of the man who murdered him. They tell her that they have no clue as to who could have done it and she tells them that she’s happy that the fucking monster is dead. They startle at that and then her mum sees them out and Effy starts to cry all over again, like each time she hears it a new piece of herself is lost, just like Freddie is.

When her mum asks what she can do for her, she answers that she needs to get away, she can’t be where so many memories are. So her mum packs some bags and the next thing Effy knows they’re in Paris.

~x~

****  
  


This is when she finally wakes up, and she’s crying and shaking because she’s never, in the four months since it happened, thought of that night again. Wiping her face she looks at her little bedside clock and sees that it’s 4:30 in the afternoon, she slept the whole day away and now only has two hours before everyone is supposed to show up, she doesn’t have the time to sit and cry about dreams when she should be looking for Cook. So she gets up takes a shower and goes about getting ready for the trip.

By the time the sun has gone down she has a duffel bag packed and a backpack slung on her back. She’s outside smoking by the car when everyone arrives.

Emily and Naomi seem to have brought one bag each and JJ just has a backpack, and Katie has three bags. Somehow they manage to get everything stuffed in the boot with the exception of one of Katie’s bags which is wedged in the back with JJ, Emily, and Naomi. (Really why the fuck did Katie need so much shit  for?) and it hits Effy like a bucket of cold water, none of them know when they’ll be coming back, but they still came anyway. She starts the car and ashes her cigarette outside the window and wonders what the fuck she got all of them into.

Looking at the deserted street ahead of them she smiles softly, “So does anyone know where the fuck to start looking?” and then there’s JJ’s hand on her shoulder and he’s smiling at her in the rear view mirror.

“He called me a couple of weeks ago at 2 in the morning, I couldn’t hear very well but I’m pretty sure he said ‘greetings from Esher JJ!’” and everyone in the car groans. “It’s only a couple of hours, it’s not that bad.” Emily scoffs and Katie turns to look at her sister. “JJ said a couple of weeks ago, he could be anywhere now!”

And Katie is right, but Effy is determined to find him so she can get to feeling somewhat normal again. Because it’s like she said that night four months ago, she can’t bear to lose  both Freddie and Cook. So she puts the car in ‘drive’ and listens to Katie and JJ bicker over what CD to play and Effy smiles to herself softly because this is something that’s normal for them.

~x~

****  
  


They’re about 10 minutes outside of Esher when Katie announces that she has to piss and that she can’t hold it in any longer. Effy just rolls her eyes and pulls the car over to the shoulder, it’s not just Katie that gets out though. They all do. After nearly two hours in a cramped car some fresh air can do them all good.

But Effy’s skin is crawling, the closer they get to their destination the more jittery she becomes. She just misses Cook is all, I mean she got to catch up with everyone else in the car and there’s just him left to catch up with. That’s all. But even just by herself she can’t really deny that there is something more that she herself hasn’t even figured out yet. And because she’s Effy Stonem she’ll do her best to pretend like there’s nothing. Sometimes she hates that she’s this way.

“Are we done here? I want to get there sometime this year yeah?” she snarls and slams her door and buckles in. The others are all looking at her strange but they don’t comment, just squeeze back into the car and after a few moments of silence someone lights up a spliff. Effy is sort of grateful for the distraction.

Pinching the joint between her thumb and index finger, she squints out the windshield and bites her cheek. They’re now just driving into Esher and now she has no idea where to go next. The plan so far was to just get here and now that they are she’s stuck. She seems to be stuck a lot nowadays.

“Shit JJ, did he tell you _where_ exactly he was?” and Emily elbows the boy in the ribs when he shrugs and says, “He just said Esher and then I told him that it really wasn’t very acceptable to ring someone in the middle of the night like that an-” and then Emily elbows him.

Effy sighs and parks the car in an empty lot near what looks like a couple of shops. She puts her forehead on the steering wheel and just breathes. Naomi breaks the silence, “It’s Cook, I mean he’s either in a pub or a club somewhere making an arse of himself. We’ll find him.” And Naomi is right, there’s a few places he can be but they’ll find him. They have to…

“Let’s just pop into a pub and see if he’s there and if not we’ll find a club or a party.” Katie smiles and pulls Effy’s head up. And Effy smiles back at her, it’s a shaky smile but it’s still technically one. “Yeah let’s go.”

They all pile out of the car and Naomi kisses Emily’s cheek before grabbing her hand and Effy’s heart clenches at the sight but she just raises an eyebrow at Naomi when she looks at her and the blonde blushes and looks away. Effy looks away too, but she turns her attention to seeing where the hell JJ and Katie are leading them.

The group stops in front of a big black door and above the door is a rusty sign that says ‘The Bear’ in simple block letters. It seems nondescript enough and Effy hopes that Cook is inside as Katie pushes the door open and they all step into the bright room.

‘The Bear’ seems to be an inn as well because there are people with suitcases milling about and the fact that there’s a sign that reads **check-in/out** is a dead giveaway as well. But it’s warm and cozy and there are only about six people occupying stools at the bar. No Cook. Effy doesn’t think he’d be caught dead in a place like this, and she says as much before JJ suggests that they ask the bartender some questions before they leave.

So they find a table and JJ offers to buy the first round. When he leaves to go get the pints Effy turns to the three girls, “What if he was never even here, JJ could have heard him wrong or something.”

Katie rolls her eyes, “JJ may be a tit sometimes but I don’t think he’d send us on some wild chase, he heard him right… we just have to hope that he’s still here.” she tosses her hair off her shoulder and looks at Effy as if daring her to disagree. But she doesn’t.

JJ comes back with two pints in his hands and a man follows close behind him carrying the other three. When he reaches their table Effy sees that he really doesn’t look that much older than them at all. “This is Connor, he’s the bartender here and he’s offered to help us.” JJ says after he hands Emily and Naomi their drinks.

Connor hands Katie and JJ theirs and when he goes to give Effy hers he halts for just a second and his eyes widen minutely. Before anyone can comment on what’s wrong he hands her the pint and sits down in the last empty chair. Effy thinks for a second that it was as if he recognized her, but she’s never seen him before in her life so…maybe she imagined it.

“JJ says that you’re all lookin’ for someone?” and his voice is a lot higher than Effy would have thought considering how tall the bloke is. But she just nods instead and takes a sip of her beer. The others can tell that she doesn’t seem to want to talk to this stranger so Emily jumps in instead. “Yeah he’s a friend of ours and we thought we’d track him down. ‘aven’t seen him in awhile so we want to catch up. Last we heard he was here.”

Connor looks at each of them and then his gaze lands on Effy and she sees that spark of recognition in his gray eyes again and she doesn’t really know why but she knows that he knows something.

“Yeah,” he says as he wipes the table with his hand, “Cook right? He was staying ‘ere about two weeks ago… he was staying upstairs until the landlady kicked him out on suspicion of dealing to the other guests. She wasn’t wrong either.” And Effy smiles softly and shakes her head, it’s so typical of Cook to fuck up a good thing with some unnecessary shit. _Maybe he’s out of money_  that withered part of her whispers and she frowns.

“How do you know he was dealing?” she finds herself asking and her friends all seem shocked that she’s actually talking to this stranger. “I may ‘ave bought some spliff off of him, I didn’t tell on him though honest. He was a cool bloke.”

Taking another drink from her beer she looks at the bartender and then at Katie and JJ looks at Naomi who looks at Emily. They’re all thinking it, _is he still in the city?_ **  
**

 

The boy seems keen to their silent conversation so he smiles and leans forward. “There’s a big party at this club tonight, there’s this bird who he was staying with after he was kicked out of ‘ere and she’ll be there. She might know where he is now… I get off in 15 minutes I can take you all there if you’d like.”

“Sure, we’ll wait here.” She finds herself saying and then Connor nods and leaves to go finish his shift. After he’s gone Katie turns to her as if she’s gone mental. “How are we even sure he’s still in town Effy? The guy said so himself, Cook was kicked out. You think he’d stay someplace he wasn’t wanted?”

And then Naomi laughs and almost spills her pint all over herself. “Sorry” she says as she wipes at the mess she made, “but you act as if Cook gives a shit. Even when we all told him to leave that night at Gobbler’s End or when Effy and Freddie got together he never left.”

“Noams is right, there have been plenty of times none of us wanted him but he stayed. I don’t think one landlady could make him leave town even if she wanted to.” Emily shrugs and helps her girlfriend clean up the mess she made and Effy supposes that they’re right. But then JJ slams his empty pint glass onto the table and shocks the girls.

Looking at the four of them he straightens up, “it’s only because Effy was there all those times. He wouldn’t leave because Effy was there.” and she wants to cry because that is true too. Cook had always had hope that she would see it his way and come back to him, but she isn’t keeping him anywhere this time, barely even knows where to find him, and that makes her heart clench painfully.

Suddenly Connor is standing in front of them and Effy doesn’t know why but he seems to know more than he’s letting on. She doesn’t like him very much she decides. “I’m ready when you all are.”

JJ is the first to get up and Effy is the last. They all follow him into the cold night like...like sheep or cattle, and Effy wonders darkly if it will be to their slaughter.

Turns out that the club in question is only a block from the pub and the bouncer seems to recognize Connor. They all get in without a cinch. There are dancing bodies everywhere, couples plastered to the walls and people groping all over each other. Effy likes it a little, it gives her a sick joy to see so many people drown out their feelings and troubles with drugs and the company of other people who do the same thing. It makes her feel like she’s actually normal because she does the same thing, maybe that’s why she was drawn to Cook at first. Misery loves company and all.

Connor seems to know where exactly to find who they’re looking for because he leads them all to the back corner of the packed room. Underneath the blue and green lights she is met with someone who could be her twin. Only the girl is taller than Effy, her hair looks longer, and her eyes are green instead of blue. But other than that their complexions and facial structures are similar, right down to the freckles across their noses. She’s even dressed like Effy for fucks sakes.

“Guess he couldn’t find one with blue eyes this time.” Naomi says in her ear and Effy feels her eyes narrow at the girl who is currently talking to Connor and looking over at the five of them. And of course, Cook’s done this before, found some girl that looks remotely like Effy, she doesn’t really know if he knows that he does it. Too caught up in wanting to be with her that he’ll look for someone the closest looking to her that he can get. It makes her sad.

The girl seems to be done speaking to Connor because he leads her over to the group and introduces her to them. “Everyone this is Camille, the one I told you about. She’ll know where he is.” and then Camille is looking at each of them. If she sees the resemblance between her and Effy she doesn’t comment on it.

“Connor said you’re looking for Cook,” she says straight to Effy, and even with the music blaring she can hear that her voice is higher than her own, “well sorry to tell you but the wanker left about three days ago. Didn’t even say bye.” Camille tosses her hair and glares at the wall, looking like a little child. Why does he fuck girls like this? Effy wonders and that little voice whispers, _because they aren’t like you._  She fucking hates that the little voice is right.

“Do you know where he went?” JJ yells over the music and Camille just nods her head and turns back to Effy, looking her in the eyes and Effy thinks that her heart falls out of her chest when Camille says, “Away from you.”

Keeping herself from spitting in the girls face or calling her a string of names that would surely leave her reduced to a pile of ash, Effy walks away. She’s just about outside when a hand grips her elbow and pulls her back. It’s Connor.

He’s looking at her with pity in his eyes and Effy knows that he heard what Camille said. Everyone in the club probably fucking heard it. “Hey listen, she’s just bitter because he never really wanted her. ‘Toss her up and then toss her out’ he used to say. Don’t let her get to you.” And Effy wants to hit him because he doesn’t know Cook at all, he doesn’t know that he can actually be a good guy every once in awhile. But it is something that Cook would say so she doesn’t hit him. She just pulls her arm away and raises her chin.

“You knew my face when we met in the pub. Is it because I look like her?” she asks and she just wants the truth, just the truth. She can see Naomi and Emily yelling at Camille in the corner where she left them and JJ seems to be holding Katie back from hitting the stupid bitch. She wishes she would.

Connor just shrugs and smiles at her sadly, “I seen your picture in his wallet. When I asked if you were his girlfriend he said no but that you broke his heart nonetheless.” And Effy doesn’t understand why Cook would open up to someone he barely knows when it was like pulling teeth to get him to talk to his actual friends.

But then again she herself had opened up to Foster about everything, but that was sort of different… he was a doctor and that’s what they’re there for. And then he went and tried to take everyone away from her and he had succeeded on taking away the most important one. This was all so monumentally fucked up.

“Yeah well it’s what I do best, didn’t he tell you?” but she doesn’t wait for his reply. Just marches out the door, away from her not so twin and the echo of Cook’s presence. The other four find her twenty minutes later smoking a cigarette against the car and huddled in her jacket. “Well,” she smiles and takes another drag of her cigarette “that was fun wasn’t it?”

JJ looks like he wants to say something and Katie still looks pissed. Naomi is standing there silently but Emily actually speaks her mind. “She was a complete bitch but she did tell us that Cook was always talking about going to London next. Right before Katie hit her that is.” and everyones laughs fill the cold air around them and Effy is a bit shocked.

“Why?” is all she asks and Katie merely shrugs and fixes the hem of her skirt, “She shouldn’t have said that to you. Just cuz she wasn’t wanted doesn’t mean you aren't ya know? And plus no one talks like that to my friend.” there’s warmth spreading through Effy and it isn’t just the cigarette. It’s the fact that even though they all came with her on this crazy trip it’s been Katie who Effy has looked to.

It was Katie that took care of Effy that day when she had the panic attack at the parade and ran from Freddie, it was Katie who told Effy that she understood why she was leaving for Paris, Katie who told her that she was sorry that she kept Freddie away from her because she was selfish. And tonight it was Katie that defended her. So Effy stamps out her cigarette and pulls Katie into a hug. And Katie squeezes her back.

During this, JJ, Emily and Naomi climb into the back seat and wait for the two of them to get in. Once the engine is roaring and the heat is turned up to the highest setting Effy looks at each of her friends and feels love warm her inside again after so long.

“So London it is then? It’s a lot bigger than Esher for sure but I think we’ll manage.” JJ says to her from the backseat and Effy thinks that maybe he’s willing to be friends with her now after all this time. Pulling out of the car park she nods and signals right. “It’s about an hour from here and Tony’s at the Uni there now, so we can crash in his room I’m sure.” Katie whistles and nods in approval.

“So I finally get to meet your fit brother then? I am so very for going to London.” and Effy laughs because she can see Tony wondering what the fuck to do with the red haired brash twin. She hasn’t seen him in ages and they’ve got loads to talk about and he’ll probably be completely against wanting her to find Cook (she still remembers how mad he had been with her when she told him she had run off and that she was with Cook. Tony had threatened to find them and beat the shit out of him.) but he’ll keep her safe and she _has_ missed her big brother terribly.

It’s about half an hour into the car ride, as she’s signaling to get into the next lane and everyone else is asleep, that she realizes she has no fucking clue what to do when they find Cook. She doesn’t know how he’ll react or if he’ll be happy or angry to see her. Effy didn’t really stop to think that maybe Cook is trying to live his own life away from all the bullshit and drama and heartache that surrounds them all. Maybe he’s moved on and wants nothing to do with them, or her… and it’s her worst nightmare that maybe she already has lost both Freddie and Cook. One she lost to death and the other from being tired of hearing he isn’t good enough from the girl he loves.  

Effy is scared to even think about that being a possibility when she’s already dragged so many people into this insane need for her to find him, and she’s about to drag even more into it. _But_ , she thinks, Cook would do the same for her. After she put  Katie in hospital after the camping party she had called Cook and told him that she needed to get the fuck out of town and he had shown up in a car to take her away just like that. Freddie would have carved her her own little world inside of this one, and he did, when they were together they existed in their own little bubble. But Cook would tear it all down for her just because she asked him to and then rebuild it how she wanted it. Effy just hopes with her entire being that he still would do the same.

~x~

****  
  


She rolls onto her side and squeezes her eyes closed to keep from waking up just yet, there are snores coming from the floor and it’s quite annoying but Effy supposes it’s a consequence of sharing a room with five other people.

Through her shut eyelids the light is bright and invasive. It’s probably some time around noon then. And although Effy wishes she could just turn over and fall back into her hazy dreams, she can’t because what Camille said is still bouncing around in her head and she can see those three words against her closed eyelids and she can’t take it anymore.

Sitting up in the bed she looks around at the sleeping figures of her friends. Emily and Naomi are cuddling on the floor, JJ is leaned against a wall with his head rolling from side to side in his sleep and Katie gives a particularly loud snore from behind Effy. Looking to the far corner of the room where Tony fell asleep she sees that he’s now awake and watching her watch everyone.

He smiles and pats the spot beside him and holds out a spliff, Effy carefully steps out of bed and makes her way across the small room, thank god Tony’s got a single (how he managed that she’s too afraid to ask). She sits beside him and takes the offered joint.

“You’re up early, it’s barely 2 o’clock.” he observes and it’s just a careful observation that reminds her again that her big brother sees quite literally everything. Like last night when she showed up at his room with four strangers and bags. He had just opened the door wider and said, “My sister gets the bed.” Effy knows that he seen the look of desperation on her face, the blind hope that he’ll help them and he would.

Drawing sickly sweet smoke into her lungs she passes the spliff back and crosses her arms, “Couldn’t sleep anymore. And Katie snores too loud.” Tony just throws his head back and laughs silently into the smoky air.

It strikes her how similar they look, with the late afternoon sun casting rays onto his face. They have the same shade of blue eyes, not too light but just dark enough to seem always cold and calculating. They both have that same mischievous grin, the one that starts as a simple curl of one corner of the mouth. The same pale milky skin and dark feathery hair, they even have a similar laugh. And they both guard their hearts so closely that it’s nearly impossible for anyone to get too close before they shove them away.

“Why are you here Effy? Does mum know where you are?” he asks and turns to look her in the eye, she can’t lie to him when he looks her head on, she never could. So she groans and says “We’re looking for someone is all. And mum thinks I’m camping with some mates she knows I’m fine.” she grabs for the spliff to distract herself from fidgeting but Tony just holds it out of her reach and keeps looking at her.

Sighing she leans her head against the wall and closes her eyes, it’s easier to tell the truth with your eyes closed she learned, because then you won’t have to see how the truth affects the person. “Cook is supposed to be here in London somewhere and I’m going to find him.” And before Tony even has to ask why she wants to find him she blurts out. “It’s too hard being back home without Freddie. I need Cook to help me with it.”

She knows that he shakes his head, twins they are, they’re practically twins.

“You’ve been back for three days… you haven’t even tried to be back without him yet.” She doesn’t know if he’s talking about Freddie or Cook, maybe both. Something inside her snaps free.

Clenching her fists tighter in her jumper she turns to him, blue eyes blazing. “How would you know? I’ve gone four months without Freddie that’s a lot fucking longer than you tried to go without Michelle or even Sid you wanker.” And it’s mean but that dam inside of her broke and all the things she’s been wanting to say to her brother, all the things he missed out on comes rushing up and she can’t stop it.

“Where were you when dad left Tony? Where were you when I went to hospital after I tried to off myself? Where the _fuck_ were you when the boy I loved died Tony?” and she means to scream his name but it only comes out sounding broken and weak. She’s crying.

For the longest time Effy just sits there crying into her jumper and Tony seems too stunned to move, he’s spent his life trying to protect her from this vile world that he didn’t realize that the world had managed to sneak in and smother her while he wasn’t looking. She’s grown up a lot since he left her alone with just their mum, had to face a lot of shit on her own that she could have used his help with. But he wasn’t _there_.

Wrapping his arms around her, Tony pulls her close. “I’m sorry Ef, I really am. I just couldn’t… I didn-.” But he just sighs and hugs her tighter, shushing her sobs so they don’t wake the others up.

“Wanker, wanker fucking wanker.” she says into his shirt and his chest rumbles with a laugh because he knows that she’s thinking back to the time in their mums car where she was pissed at him for not fixing things with Michelle properly. “I liked you better when you didn't talk.” he tells her and it’s like they’re back in the car just the two of them, the only ones each other could count on. She’s missed him so bloody much.

Wiping her face on his shirt because he deserves it, she pulls away and looks at him again. “You've got to help me Tony, I know you don’t like Cook but I need him. Please.” the last word is a whisper, barely heard by her own ears but her brother catches it. He doesn’t miss a thing.

“Alright I’ll help, but I’ve got lectures until six and then I’ll take you all out to some clubs to look for him. Just don’t fuck anything up in my room while I’m gone.” Effy smiles at him and pushes his shoulder so he knocks back against the wall.

This is normal for them, teasing each other and helping in any way that they can. She wonders if he still charms every professor and manipulates his way into people’s lives. She learned how to do the exact same from him, but while Tony is a narcissistic and manipulative person who really puts no value into anyones life but hers, Effy ended up being a depressed manipulative little girl with codependency issues. Yup, the Stonems are fucked up.

Tony gets up and picks up his school bag, after he winds his way through the sleeping figures of her friends he stops at the door and winks at her before leaving. They all have a few hours to kill before he comes back and they all go looking for Cook once again.  

Once the door is closed behind him, Effy lights a fag that was laying next to Tony’s ashtray on the floor. Blowing the smoke into the air around her she looks at the posters on his wall and how tidy everything is. Taking another drag she rolls her eyes, “You all can stop pretending to be asleep now.”

“Thank god, my necks gone all stiff.” JJ complains and Naomi and Emily sit up and smile sheepishly while Katie merely shrugs and looks around. “Tossers.” Effy complains but there is an undercurrent of fondness in her voice that she hopes none of them pick up on.

Naomi pulls off her shirt and goes to search through her duffel bag, “who would have thought that the Stonem children actually give a shit about people.” she laughs and Effy is tempted to dump the ashtray over her shiny blonde hair. “She’s right Effy, the reputation you and Tony have isn't a pretty one.” Emily jumps in to support her girlfriend who smiles at her and blows her a kiss.

But Effy just raises an eyebrow and stares at them all, she’s well aware of the reputation. The Stonem children; fuck anyone they want, do anything they want without any repercussions, and don’t give a shit about anyone but each other. They’re not half wrong.  

JJ just continues to try to avert his eyes from Naomi who is still looking for another shirt. Katie looks at Effy’s face though and blurts what comes to her mind, _that’s always been her problem_ Effy thinks.

“It’s because of love,” she says and everyone but Effy looks at Katie, Effy is too busy studying the dying fag. “Effy loves Freddie and Cook and Tony loves Effy so of course he’ll help us. He just wants his sister happy, it’s right sweet if you ask me.” she shrugs and nods as if it was so simple.

Effy just stands up though and puts out the half finished cigarette, ignoring the sad looks everyone is giving her. “Right well, we've only got a few hours till my brother comes back so let’s just get ready yeah.” she doesn’t say it like a question, she says it like ‘get ready and drop the fucking subject before I drop you.’ and everyone nods and starts to get ready.

It’s a bit sad that she doesn’t want to talk to her friends about the inner turmoil that’s going on inside her head and her heart. What Katie said was true, she loves Freddie but did she love Cook? Could she see herself being with Cook like she was with Freddie? Would Cook still want that with her? Who the fuck knows. She couldn't think about it all right now, so she tucks it all away in a dark place in her heart and focuses on fixing her makeup.

~x~

****  
  


When Tony comes back to the room, everyone is already waiting for him. Effy and Katie decided that there was no way that they were going to be seen with JJ out in London if he was wearing the same ratty jeans and holey shirt. So naturally a makeover ensued. After JJ was redressed in a pair of Tony’s trousers and a plain black shirt he commented that Effy always wears ripped clothes. She promptly informed him that it was part of her image.

“Are those my trousers then?” Tony says in lieu of a hello to the group of youngsters. “Don’t be so rude, you should have seen what he wanted to wear.” Effy wipes a finger under her left eye to make sure there are no unwanted eyeliner smudges, not to be mistaken with the smudges that she created on purpose.

Naomi and Emily look proper coupley, with their color coordination. Emily is wearing a red top and a black shirt and Naomi is wearing red shorts with a black and red striped top, Effy wonders if they even planned it. Katie is wearing a tight dress with tights underneath and Effy looks like she always does. Dark eye makeup to make her eyes even prettier, hair hanging loose down her back and a short black dress that barely covers all her bits. She looks like she could take your heart and stomp on it, how she should look.

Once Tony is finally ready he turns to her and smiles softly, going out is something that they’re familiar with but there’s worry in his blue eyes when he looks at her and she wishes he didn't worry so much, she was 18 now, legal. All of them were so they’d be just fine. But then the worry disappears and he winks at them all, “let’s get fucked.” and then they’re all laughing and heading out of the dorms and into the bright city.

~x~

****  
  


She’s dancing and there are arms circling her waist and the music is beating in her chest but she isn't focused on any of it really. She feels like she’s spinning and she hasn't seen any of the others since she took the tab that Tony offered her. So now she’s jumping to the beat and when she turns her head to see who the arms belong to she sees a boy she doesn’t know smiling filthily at her.

At first Effy wants to pull away and tell this guy to fuck off but he’s just dancing with her and his arms are anchoring her from flying away, and fuck that tab she took has her fucking soaring. She stays in the circle of his arms and presses her back to his front and she can feel his cock pressing against his jeans and she laughs into the air in front of her and closes her drug bright eyes. Boys are so simple.

Effy stays dancing with him, teasing him until she opens her eyes and catches what looks like Freddie’s profile walking away from her. Choking on air she runs from the boys arms around her waist and vaguely makes out his shout above the music but she doesn’t care.

Catching sight of Freddie heading towards the bar she passes Emily and Naomi kissing on the dance floor but she ignores them too because Freddie is here and she just needs to see him.

When she gets to the bar, there is no sign of the willowy boy with tan skin and hazel eyes. Spinning in a circle Effy almost loses her footing but catches herself on the bar top and tries to spot a head of dark shaggy hair among the others in the club. But it’s no use, there are too many people and she is far too fucked up to go searching for him.

And just as she’s about to turn away towards the bar to get a drink, she catches sight of him again. It’s just a movement in the corner of her eye but she turns towards it and Effy is sure that she seen Freddie weaving his way  towards the restrooms.

So naturally Effy takes off running after him, elbowing her way past dancing people who are all oblivious to the mad girl chasing her dead boyfriend around a club. And maybe it’s the drugs making her see him or maybe it’s something else that she can’t quite remember right this moment. She just sees him walk into the girls loo and when she slams the door open it’s just her inside.

The music isn't so loud in here and the light is flickering but there’s no Freddie. “Shit.” Walking to one of the mirrors above the sink she stares at her reflection for the first time since they stepped foot in the club.

Her eyes are bright, too bright to be accounted to anything other than the tab she took earlier. The makeup around her eyes is smeared and her hair is matted against her forehead with sweat. She doesn’t look in a good way and her hands are shaking when she goes to brush her hair away from her face.

A fag, that’s what she needs. Some fresh air and a cigarette to forget that she ever even imagined Freddie in the first place. And just as she turns to leave the restroom something happens that hasn't happened in over four months, she hears his voice. At first she just freezes and tries to brush it off as her imagining things again, but then she remembers the first time she heard it and he had already been gone by then. Effy strains her ears to hear it again, but it doesn’t come, there’s no mistaking it though. She heard Freddie say Cook’s name.

Leaving the restroom as quickly as she can she heads straight for the back door because she really needs to clear her fucking head. When she’s finally outside she fills her lungs as much as she can with the cold air. She can’t believe that she forgot what they even came here for! As soon as they had went in Tony offered her the tab and told her he was sure it was pure so she had taken it no questions asked and she had forgotten!

Shaking with anger she lights a fag with shaking hands and looks at the alley that she’s walked out to, there’s rubbish strewn everywhere and the smell isn't all that pleasant but fuck it. She just needs air. But she needs to also try to call again, maybe he didn't get her last message. Pulling out her mobile she dials his number and waits.

It goes straight to voice mail. Effy is tempted to hang up but she’s weak right now and she’s lonely and she just misses him. So when the signal to start talking rings she finds herself holding back tears. “Cook,” she breathes into the phone, “please…” and then she hangs up. He didn't answer again, so maybe he is avoiding her. Trying to get away from her like Camille said he was. Fuck.

Taking another drag Effy can feel the tension from the phone call slowly begin to roll off of her in waves, and then her wanker of a brother comes outside too and she feels it all come back. “Fuck off Tony, I know what you did.” she spits and he doesn’t even try to deny it, just shrugs and takes the cigarette from her. “You looked like you could use some fun besides, being the best big brother I am, I asked around for your boy while you and your friends let off some steam.”

Okay so maybe she was a bit hasty in telling him to fuck off, he could be of use to her yet. “What did you find out then?” she takes back the fag to keep the shaking away (and that’s another thing she’s been doing a lot lately; drowning and shaking. It worries her a little.)

“Well he seems to be dealing to whomever he can find. He got kicked out of ‘ere last night for selling to a minor. No ones seen him tonight though but I might know someone that can contact him to meet us at another club tomorrow night under the rouse of wanting to pick up.”

And her heart jumps at his words. Tomorrow night, she could see Cook as soon as tomorrow night. “Yeah see if you can do that. But don’t tell him that we’re here...he might not want to meet if he knows we’re looking for him. He’s odd like that.” and as much as it pains her to admit it. He probably would refuse to meet if he knew she was here. Since when did Effy Stonem start being the one to chase after boys? _Probably the same time you realized you were in love with Freddie and nearly beat Katie to death_. The voice whispers and although all the other voices in her head that were there when she went mental are gone, this one remains. It’s something similar to a conscience she thinks (and since when the _fuck_ did she have a conscience?)

Throughout this whole inner turmoil Tony just watches her, as if he knows what she’s thinking and when she finally looks back at him he simply nods. “I’ll call the guy tonight when we get back and we’ll meet him tomorrow.”

Effy thinks that she can make it through to tomorrow, she’s already lasted three days and when she thinks about it that way it’s fucking ridiculous how needy she is for Cook’s attention. Dragging her friends all around the UK just because she can’t survive without him there and she doesn’t even know why she cares so much, but she does, in that dark part of herself where she keeps everything locked up nice and tight she knows. She cares because she loves Cook.

She’s pretty sure she’s _in_ love with him. It just took her all this time to realize it, because she couldn't believe that she could love two people at the same time. Fuck, before Freddie and Cook came along she didn't believe that she was even capable of love. And now she knows that she was just scared of those feelings for him so she hid them away from herself and everyone else. But Freddie knew, he knew because she could never quite give Cook up and he sometimes looked at her like he didn't really have her even when she swore she was his forever. Cook knew too, it’s why he never gave up on her, why he kept her safe when she didn't even remember who she was properly.

Her heart is beating so fast that she thinks it’s going to burst right out of her chest. Tony grabs her right before she’s about to hit the floor and she can vaguely hear herself sobbing. “I love him, _IlovehimIlovehim_.” she hears herself say over and over again and it really fucking sucks that she made this realization in a dirty alley behind some club but it makes sense because it seems so befitting of her and Cook.

Tony steadies her on her feet and laughs, “so you finally figured it out ‘ave you?” and _what?_ how could he possibly know. “How?” she asks around hiccups and her older brother smiles at her bright and smug.

“You wouldn't drive around the country for anyone Effy.” and he says it so simply like it makes perfect sense to him but to her it’s all jumbled up inside of her and stuck. She hates love she decides. Because love tore away Freddie and love has her crying into her brothers shoulder at three in the morning in some smelly alley. Love is...love is mad...she thinks to herself and she gets it now why Freddie told her it’s supposed to be this way. Because if love wasn't mad then it wasn't worth fighting for.

“Let’s go now Tony, I want to get out of here.” she whispers and he just nods and wipes her face free of tears. He’ll always take care of her, even when he doesn’t visit or is never around he’ll always  be there. Effy doesn’t think she could have asked for a better big brother.

Giving her his jacket he opens the back door for her and smiles, “let’s find your friends first and then we’ll go back to my room and smoke the last of my spliff and drink that wine that I nicked from mums cabinet last time I was home.” and Effy just laughs because although her heart feels like it’s breaking with the realization that she loves James Cook and it feels like she’s betraying  Freddie’s memory she does have the best big brother in the whole world.

~x~

Effy can feel eyes on her face before she even opens her eyes. There are hushed voices and she can’t really make them out so she pretends to be asleep for a little longer. Keeping her breathing even, she hears Katie shift beside her and whisper something about Cook.

“How do we know if he’ll even want to come back with us? We all heard what that bitch said the other night. He’s running from his problems just like Effy did.” she says in her lisp and Effy has to stifle the urge to push Katie off the bed and then storm out of the room. But then someone snorts and Effy can’t do this anymore.

Sitting up she blinks the sleepiness from her eyes and watches the guilty and worried looks flash across her friends faces. _Good_ , she thinks, they should feel bad for talking shit while she was asleep.

“Effy what I meant to say was…” but Katie doesn’t get to finish because Effy just fixes the twin with a cold look and she stops talking mid sentence. “Don’t really give a fuck Katie, drop it.”

Naomi and Emily shuffle on the floor awkwardly and JJ just watches the exchange. Effy looks around the room, hoping to find her brother somewhere in the small space but he isn't. “Where’s Tony?” Katie gets up and leaves the room and Emily watches her sister go.

“Way to go Eff.” Emily tells her as she gets up to go follow her sister out of the dorm. Effy just shrugs and looks at Naomi with an eyebrow raised. “He’s at lecture, he said he’d be back later and not to leave you alone.” she finishes with a shrug and Effy wants to scream. The lamps in the room are all turned on and there’s take away containers littered on the floor. She slept through the whole day...again.

Getting up from the bed she rakes her fingers through her hair and grabs her toiletry bag and towel. Leaving JJ and Naomi in the room Effy makes her way towards the communal bathroom. She doesn’t see or hear the twins as she makes her way down the hall but she’s not too worried. They’ll be back.

The bathroom is empty when she gets there and thankfully it’s a pretty big one. She decides to get all of her grooming out of the way before she can even begin to sort through all her jumbled thoughts.

So after she brushes her teeth and uses the loo, she turns one of the showers to the hottest setting and ducks under the spray of water before the chill of the air can freeze her naked bones. There’s sure to be black makeup running all down her face but she can’t be bothered to care right now. The water is warming her up and relaxing some of the tension in her bones.

As she’s rubbing shampoo through her hair she looks down at her stomach, watches the water turn her pale skin pink, watches as if life has come back to her after so long. And _shit_ there’s shampoo getting in her eye!

Effy rinses out her eyes as quickly and thoroughly as possible in order to avoid any shampoo damaged red eyes (she’s been there done that, no thanks.) After her near death experience she grabs her loofah and goes to work scrubbing all the grime from her body.

Just as she’s about to start scrubbing the makeup from her face she hears someone come into the bathroom.

“Tony’s back, we’re waiting on you now Effy.” Emily calls from outside the shower curtain and Effy sighs, so much for a relaxing shower then.

Dumping all her toiletries back in her bag she shuts off the water and wraps a towel around herself. But when she steps out of the shower Emily isn't there anymore, Katie is.

Effy watches her warily wondering if the short tempered twin will yell at her or give her the silent treatment (it’s always a toss up with Katie.) But she surprises her by not doing either and instead smiling at her.

“I forgive you if you’ll forgive me,” Katie shrugs and it’s as good as Effy is gonna get as a way of apology so Effy just nods and stands there dripping water all over the floor. “Good cuz I laid out your clothes already and not being funny babez but you look like microwaved shit. Let’s go find the arsehole already.” And even as Effy laughs and follows Katie back to Tony’s room, her heart clenches at the thought that in just a few hours she’ll get to see Cook again.

~x~

****  
  


So the club is _packed_ and Tony did tell them that this was one of the most popular clubs in London but still...the place is filled to the brim with people dancing, drinking, and making all around arses of themselves. Effy really doesn't see why this place is so talked about. But it was where Tony’s mate had said Cook was gonna be tonight, “Told ‘im it’s a good place to deal and make a few quid quick.” the bloke had told her brother, so here they all were.

And if Katie had laid out Effy’s best outfit; skin tight black jeans with a sheer white top showing off her black bra and tiny frame with her leather jacket over, then no one really has to know.

Scanning the crowd a warm buzz settles in Effy’s stomach. It’s a strange feeling but she’s pretty sure that it means that Cook is definitely here somewhere. Naomi and Emily head towards the dance floor and JJ and Katie both make a beeline for the bar, Tony stays right at her side.

“Don’t run off again yeah? Shout if you need me.” and then he disappears into the crowd and Effy smiles slightly because how the fuck is he supposed to hear her over the bloody music? But she has no doubt that Tony would find her no matter what so she pushes her way onto the dance floor and steals a drink from a table as she passes by.

~x~

The music is buzzing in her veins, it might also be the three drinks she’s had already or maybe it’s the MDMA she took from the bloke with a chipped front tooth. But Effy thinks it’s most definitely the music and her dancing body that has her hair sticking to her forehead and neck. It should be gross but she’s having too much fun getting lost in the beat and the people around her.

There’s a guy to the left making a complete tit of himself by trying to break dance or summat and it has her laughing so hard that she feels weightless. And of course that’s the moment she catches sight of Cook at the bar with some bird.

Snapping her mouth shut so fast that she bites her cheek Effy stops dancing and just watches him in shock. And it really is Cook, he’s wearing dark jeans and a stupid fucking long sleeved shirt that he looks so good in but he looks different too. His hair looks longer and from what Effy can see from across the dance floor, he’s too pale under the flickering lights there are dark circles under his eyes and her heart fucking _hurts_ because he looks just like she does. Washed out and holding onto someone that isn't here anymore, it’s like they’re the ghosts not Freddie. It hurts.

But then she sees the girl that he’s with smile and put something in his cup and offer it to him. Effy’s first thought is that this girl is trying to drug him but then the girl puts the same pill in her drink and Effy watches Cook watch as the girl drinks from her glass and then he drinks right along with her. And then the girl kisses him and he kisses her back and then she just laughs.

By now Effy is being pushed by the dancing bodies all around her and she wants to shout for Tony or even for Katie but something inside her squeezes against her ribs. And she’s just there in the middle of the dance floor of a packed club stuck in place. All she can do is watch as the girl leads Cook to the dance floor and as they start to dance.

She sees the exact moment the drug hits him because he starts to move quicker to the music and he pulls his shirt off like a tosser and throws it into the crowd. Effy wants nothing more than to not care when the girl runs her hands down his torso. She doesn't want to care when Cook kisses the girls neck and laughs as the brunette tugs at his belt.

But Effy does care because she loves that boy so much she wants to scream and she wishes she knew how to just walk up to him without wanting to rip out handfuls of the girls hair. And as she wishes all these things she finds her feet betraying her by taking her closer to the dancing couple instead of far away like she wants.

Effy is barely five feet away from them and is just about to turn and run when Cooks eyes open and meet hers. She sees the shock and worry in his eyes even from this far away but all she does is smile her _you don’t know me, you never will_ smile and suddenly there’s a bloke whispering in her ear now.

He’s telling her how hot she is and if she wants to ‘get out of here yeah?’ But Effy just smiles wider at the stunned Cook who’s trying to fend off the clingy girl to get to Effy. She likes watching him struggle. There’s a song on that she recognizes and her body moves on its own. So she sways along to the beat and pushes the guy away when he gets too close and she just watches Cook try to make sense of the situation.

She knows what he’s thinking, he’s wondering if she’s even here or if he’s imagining her like she imagined Freddie the other night. And just as he’s about to start walking towards her, Effy turns and walks away. She hears Cook shout her name but she continues to weave her way through the crowd, walking towards the back door of the club even though she’s not sure how her legs can carry her when her heart is being smashed to pieces. She _really_ needs a cigarette.

When she gets the damned door open and takes a deep breath of cold air she realizes her hands are shaking again. Numbly she goes to stand a little ways down the alley so no one will bother her if they come out. Getting a fag out and lighting it is a rather hard task for her right now and she almost throws the whole cigarette tin on the floor in exasperation before she finally gets it to light.

Taking a long drag Effy closes her eyes and tries not to think about actually seeing Cook with some other girl. Sure she’s heard about him being with other girls and she’s even met a few of them. Hell, he’d fucked Pandora and she was still Effy’s best friend… but this was different. To actually see him with someone, it must be how Cook felt seeing Freddie and her together or how Freddie would feel seeing her and Cook together and _fuck_ they were all always so fucked up.

The clubs back door is thrown open again and Effy hears a girls laugh so she opens her eyes and narrows them as she sees that it’s Cook, still shirtless and throwing up, and the girl he was with.

“Are you okay?” the girl asks him and her voice is high pitched, just like Camille’s was and Effy scoffs.

“Yeah, I’m fine babe.” Cook reassures the girl and Effy kind of wants to throw up now too, but she just pushes off the wall she was leaning on and starts to walk towards the two of them.

The girl sees her before Cook does and she just looks Effy up and down but doesn't say anything, _does she know who I am then?_  she wonders.

Effy comes to a stop right in front of the still doubled over Cook, and she knows he recognizes her black boots because he looks up slowly and his eyes widen as they fall on her impassive face. She takes a drag of her cigarette just as she hears his soft and raspy, “Fuck.”

Smiling softly and keeping her face devoid of emotion she exhales the smoke and drops the fag at his feet.

“Hi Cook.”

****  
  
  


 

 

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**Author's Note:**

> so... the ending... it's very much a terrible cliffhanger but I am planning on writing a second installment so there's that to look forward to! I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. Comments and kudos are always appreciated. 
> 
> I would also like to state that I got the last club scene idea from a fan made video of how they would have liked to see Effy's and Cook's season 7 episodes go, thank you friend for your amazing idea. 
> 
> If you want to yell at me about the ending or any other part of this work then my tumblr URL is dicksquadbricksquad.tumblr.com


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